Analysis of Business Writing 5

buswritingLEVEL: INTERMEDIATE TO ADVANCED

Original Document

Read the business letter below from a bank to a customer.  What do you think? Was it clear and easy to read? How could you improve it?


Dear Sir/Madam

Re: C/A No. 82-388473-00


Referring to your letter of 8 July 20xx.


We wish to advise that the captioned subject account was automatically closed on 4 July 20xx due to deduction of inactive account service charges, relevant statement is enclosed for your retention.


In accordance with your request, we hereby furnish you with a schedule of charge of our Bank for your perusal. If you intend to process, kindly let us have your written instruction for our proceeding.


Looking forward to hearing from you soon.


Yours faithfully


Our Comments

  • The first and last paragraph contain incomplete sentences (they don’t have subjects, e.g. I, we).
  • The writer uses out-of-date language such as: wish to advise; captioned; in accordance with; hereby; furnish; perusal; and kindly.
  • Paragraph 2 contains a run-on sentence (two sentences joined by a comma). Either start a new sentence, add a clause or use a conjunction to combine the sentences.
  • Paragraphs 2 and 3 each contain two separate points. Each paragraph should contain a single point only.
  • The writer uses irregular sentence constructions, making it difficult to read and understand.
  • There are several grammatical errors. All business documents should be edited and proof-read before being sent.

Re-written Document


Dear Sir/Madam


Re: C/A No. 82-388473-00


We refer to your letter of 8 July 20xx. We would like to inform you that the above account was automatically closed on 4 July 20xx due to the deduction of inactive account service charges.


We have enclosed the relevant statement for your reference.


As you requested, we have also enclosed a list of our charges.


Please let us know in writing if you would like to make a transaction.


We look forward to hearing from you soon.


Yours faithfully


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