English Bites!

Mother-in-law

Two men were talking in a bar. One said,

"My problem is I do not like my mother-in-law but she lives with us. Yesterday, I tried to solve my problem. I went to the public house and I drank too much. I forgot my problems. But when I returned home - there were two mothers-in-law waiting."

It’s all in the punctuation

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

A young singer

A young singer went to a small town to sing in a concert. His agent was encouraging him.

"The audience seems ordinary. In fact they are not rich. They grow tomatoes."

"I will not sing," said the singer. "I will return to London. Tomatoes are expensive there. No one will throw tomatoes at me if I do not sing well in London."

Dishonest wife

One rich woman said to another,

"It is shameful. Everyone is dishonest."

"Why do you think that?"

"Today my husband dismissed his cashier."

"Why?"

"He stole $100 from the till."

"How did your husband discover it?"

"Because there was $200 missing from the till. I confessed to my husband that I had only taken $100."

Sick stockbroker

A stockbroker went to hospital and had an operation. When it was over, he was part asleep, part awake.

The nurse measured his temperature.

The patient heard her say,

"98.4 doctor."

"Good," said the stockbroker patient, half-asleep. "At 100, you must sell."