Here, we'll take a look at a circular from a large hotel to its tenants, which include apartments, shops and offices.

Can you improve this document? Write down on a notepad any unclear terms, inappropriate words and examples of poor phrasing you can find in the text. Then check our comments and the rewrite below.

ORIGINAL:

COMMENTS:

1)    ‘Kindly be informed’ is an outdated expression. Remove it entirely to make your writing clear and direct.

Always capitalize days of the week: ‘Wednesday.’ Also, include the day immediately before the date, not in brackets.

2)    This is an awkward construction that doesn’t bring the reader into your message.

Replace "in close proximity to" with "near".

Clarify what premises means, i.e. a shop, office or apartment.

The full name of the hotel has already been given. Just say "the hotel."

The active voice is clearer than the passive voice. Replace ‘alarm bells may be heard’ with ‘you may hear alarm bells.’

3)    Why say "During the course of the test" when you can use few words and keep the same meaning with "During the test". Avoid redundancy (using unnecessary words).

Break the sentence into two so you can give impact to the second part "Don't panic."

4)    You’re talking about a fire breaking out, so you need the article ‘a’ in front of ‘real fire.’

"your goodself" is very old fashioned. Replace with "you."

5)    "Should you have any queries" is a stiff and old-fashioned construction. Update it by writing: ‘If you have any questions…’

The readers clearly know which fire drill is being referred to. Omit "captioned."

"Please don't hesitate" is regarded as a negative phrase. It's better to use a positive phrase like "Feel free to."

There's no need to write "telephone number" before a number which is clearly a telephone number. Once again, avoid redundancy.

6)    Don't use the past tense "caused" as the fire drill hasn't happened yet. Use a modal verb "may" to indicate possibility and include the personal pronoun ‘you.’

REWRITE: