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Analysis of Business Writing 2

06 Oct 2022

buswritingYou should always try to write in a clear and direct style so that your message is easy for the reader to understand.

Complete the poorly written sentences below with simple, direct words (you can use one or more words per gap) so that they mean the same as the original sentences. When you’ve finished, check the rewrites and our feedback.

Original Sentences

1. In Hong Kong, there are many welfare associations to help the homeless people in Hong Kong.

In Hong Kong, many __________.

2. Please demonstrate that you are in support of this worthy cause.

Please show your  __________ this worthy cause.

3. Every year, People for Animals has raised more than $1 million.

Every year, People for Animals _________ more than $1 million.

4. We request you to please kindly make the payment on time.

Please __________ on time.

5. There are many subscribers who have registered for the new program.

__________ the new program.

6. The bank will be given a special premium to those who apply before March 31.

The bank __________ a special premium to those who apply before March 31.

7. Please will you sent the form to our office?

__________ the form to our office.

8. For any more information, please feel free to contact us at telephone number 6578 7384.

__________ 6578 7384.


Rewrites / Feedback

1. In Hong Kong, many welfare associations help the homeless.

"People” is unnecessary since “the homeless” includes the notion of people. “In Hong Kong” is repetitive. Avoid weak structures such as "There is/are" to start a sentence or clause.

2. Please show your support for this worthy cause.

The sentence is rather wordy. Try to be concise using fewer words. Common words like 'show' are preferable to lesser used words like 'demonstrate.'

3. Every year, People for Animals raises more than $1 million.

Use the present simple tense for repetitive and routine actions.

4. Please could you make the payment on time?

“Please” and “kindly” cannot be used together as they mean the same thing. Use a common request structure such as "Please could/would you..." instead of "We request you to..."

5. Many subscribers have registered for the new program.

Avoid weak sentence starts with phrases such as "There is/are."

6. The bank will give a special premium to those who apply before March 31.

“The bank” is the subject in this sentence and is the agent of the action. It should be followed by an active verb.

7. Please could you send the form to our office?

Use a standard structure for making polite requests such as "Please could/would you..."

8. For more information, please feel free to call us at 6578 7384.

“Any” is unnecessary before “more” or “further.” "Call" is clearer than "contact." "Telephone number" is redundant.

 

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