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Better Business Writing Skills 1

buswriting12Apart from grammatical accuracy, business writers should consider a number of language points when they write a document. The language should be:

  • CLEAR: use common, familiar words and expressions; simpler sentence constructions; shorter sentences
  • CONCISE: avoid unnecessary language and ‘wordy’ expressions
  • UP-TO-DATE: use language in common usage

Now let’s take a look at an email where the writer has not given consideration to the above points. Read carefully through the explanatory notes and the re-write of the email below.

Original Document

email

Subject: Maintenance Work


Dear Mr Lui


(1) Reference is made to your communication of 5 August in respect of the programme of maintenance work being conducted by your esteemed company in our commercial premises at the present moment in time.


(2) In accordance with the contract that has been signed by us both, we are of the understanding that all maintenance work should be duly completed prior to the commencement of next month. However, in your communication you failed to provide us with satisfactory assurances that the aforementioned would be adhered to.


(3) As a consequence, you are hereby reminded that as per Section 2 Clause 7 of the said contract, punitive remuneration will be calculated at the rate of HK$10,000 per day for every day subsequent to the stipulated deadline.


(4) Please advise us of the anticipated conclusion of the maintenance work at your earliest convenience.


Regards


Jack Hobbs


Comments


PARAGRAPH 1

Sentence is too long. Contains several 'wordy expressions' e.g. in respect of, at the present moment in time. There is a lot of unnecessary language (in our commercial premises).

The word 'Esteemed' is out of date. 'Communication' is not precise (is it an emal, a letter etc?) A more common word for 'conducted' is 'done'.


The tone is rather official. Less passive voice should be used.


PARAGRAPH 2

We can say 'before' instead of 'prior to', 'guarantees' for 'assurances', and 'kept to' instead of 'adhered to'.


Both writer and reader know which contract is in question. So, who signed it is irrelevant. Also 'the commencement of next month' simply means August.


'In accordance with', 'aforementioned' are not in common usage. 'Duly' is out-of-date and has no real meaning.


PARAGRAPH 3

Use 'as a result' or 'therefore' in place of 'as a consequence'. What is 'punitive remuneration'? 'Penalty' is enough as the amount is mentioned later.


'Said' and 'as per' are both not in common usage. 'Hereby' is out-of-date and like 'duly' has no real meaning.'


The final phrase of paragraph 3 is too complicated. 'for late work' is what the writer really means.


PARAGRAPH 4

'Advise us' doesn't mean what it used to mean. Use 'let us know' or 'inform us'. Also, use 'as soon as possible' in place of 'at your earliest convenience'. This phrase is out-of-date.

Rewritten Document

email

Subject: Maintenance Work


Dear Mr Lui


I have received your fax of 5 August about the maintenance work you are currently doing for us.


According to our contract, all work should be completed before September. However, in your fax you gave us no firm guarantee that you would keep to the schedule.


Therefore, I would just like to remind you that according to Section 2 Clause 7 of the contract, a penalty of $HK10,000 per day will be added for any late work.


Could you please let me know as soon as possible when you expect to finish the work?


Regards


Jack Hobbs
 
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