Apart from grammatical accuracy, business writers should consider a number of language points when they write a document. The language should be:
- CLEAR: use common, familiar words and expressions; simpler sentence constructions; shorter sentences
- CONCISE: avoid unnecessary language and ‘wordy’ expressions
- UP-TO-DATE: use language in common usage
Now let’s take a look at an email where the writer has not given consideration to the above points. Read carefully through the explanatory notes and the re-write of the email below.
Original Document
Subject: Maintenance Work
|
Comments
PARAGRAPH 1
Sentence is too long. Contains several 'wordy expressions' e.g. in respect of, at the present moment in time. There is a lot of unnecessary language (in our commercial premises).
The word 'Esteemed' is out of date. 'Communication' is not precise (is it an emal, a letter etc?) A more common word for 'conducted' is 'done'.
The tone is rather official. Less passive voice should be used.
PARAGRAPH 2
We can say 'before' instead of 'prior to', 'guarantees' for 'assurances', and 'kept to' instead of 'adhered to'.
Both writer and reader know which contract is in question. So, who signed it is irrelevant. Also 'the commencement of next month' simply means August.
'In accordance with', 'aforementioned' are not in common usage. 'Duly' is out-of-date and has no real meaning.
PARAGRAPH 3
Use 'as a result' or 'therefore' in place of 'as a consequence'. What is 'punitive remuneration'? 'Penalty' is enough as the amount is mentioned later.
'Said' and 'as per' are both not in common usage. 'Hereby' is out-of-date and like 'duly' has no real meaning.'
The final phrase of paragraph 3 is too complicated. 'for late work' is what the writer really means.
PARAGRAPH 4
'Advise us' doesn't mean what it used to mean. Use 'let us know' or 'inform us'. Also, use 'as soon as possible' in place of 'at your earliest convenience'. This phrase is out-of-date.
Rewritten Document
Subject: Maintenance Work
|