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 ORIGINAL DOCUMENT
The first thing we noticed about this business letter was the use of CAPITAL LETTERS. Capital letters shout at the reader and should be used only occasionally to emphasis something, just like you would use bold or underline. Never write the whole document in capital letters.
On reading the letter, the main problem is the use of language. Although the topic is serious, the language used is over official, inconcise (contains too many unnecessary words) and out-of-date. This letter could well have been written in 1890!
However, the letter is well-structured and correctly divided into short paragraphs with one point in each paragraph. We'll maintain this structure when we rewrite the letter.
Click on the highlighted text to read our comments.
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DEAR TENANT(S)
SUBJECT: UNIT 604 BONHAM TRADE CENTRE
(1) WE WRITE TO DEMAND PAYMENT FOR THE SUM OF HKD $20.857 BEING THE ARREARS OF RENTAL, RATES, MANAGEMENT FEE AND AIR CONDITIONING CHARGES FOR FEBRUARY 20XX.
(2) PLEASE TAKE NOTICE THAT UNLESS THE AFORESAID SUM IS FULLY PAID WITHIN 3 DAYS FROM THE DATE OF THIS LETTER, WE HAVE NO (1) (3) ALTERNATIVE BUT TO INSTRUCT OUR SOLICITORS TO TAKE LEGAL ACTION AGAINST YOU FOR ITS RECOVERY AS WELL AS FOR THE POSSESSION OF THE SAID PREMISES WITHOUT FURTHER NOTICE.
(4) WE ALSO WISH TO REMIND YOU THAT AS PART OF THE TERMS OF YOUR TENANCY AGREEMENT, YOU ARE REQUIRED TO PAY US THE MONTHLY PAYMENTS IN ADVANCE ON 1ST DAY OF EVERY CALENDER MONTH.
(5) IF YOU HAVE ALREADY PAID THE AFORESAID SUM PRIOR TO RECEIPT OF THIS LETTER, PLEASE DISREGARD THIS LETTER.
(6) SHOULD YOU HAVE ANY QUERY, PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO CONTACT US ON 2617 4783 DURING OFFICE HOURS.
YOURS FAITHFULLY
AS AGENTS OF THE LANDLORD
XXX REAL ESTATE AGENCY LTD
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COMMENTS
POINT (1)
- The first thing is to stop using capital letters. They shout at the reader.
- Use the present continuous tense 'We are writing...'
- 'Demand' is too strong a word. The tenant may have already paid. It's best to use the verb 'ask' at this stage of the collection process.
- '....demand payment for the sum of'' contains unnecessary words. It is more concise to say 'ask you to pay...'
- '....being the arrears of...' is over official and over complex. Rephrase this as '...which you owe for...'
Rewrite:
| We are writing to ask you to pay HKD $20,857 which you owe for rental, rates, management fees and air conditioning charges for February 20xx. |
POINT (2)
- The sentence is too long. Choose a suitable point to divide the sentence into two.
- Replace 'Please take notice that' with 'Please note that.'
- '...the aforesaid sum..' is over official and out-of-date. Replace with 'this amount.'
- The verb 'instruct' is too official. Use 'ask' instead.
- Replace '...for its recovery...' with 'to recover it..' Verbs are more direct than nouns. They are clearer.
- Start a new sentence at 'as well as.'
- '...possession of the said premises...' is over official and out-of-date. Replace this with '...may also require you to leave the premises...'
Rewrite:
| Please note that if this amount is not paid within three days of the date of this letter, we will have no choice but to ask our solicitors to take legal action against you to recover it. The resulting action may also require you to leave the premises without notice. |
POINT (3)
- This is the first reminder, so omit the word 'also.'
- The verb 'wish' is out-of-date in this context. Use 'would like' instead.
- Replace 'as part of'' with 'according to.'
- '...you are required to pay...' is too official. Replace this with '...you must pay...'
- '...in advance of...' is redundant. Replace this with '...before...'
- Replace '...of every calender month' with 'of each month.' 'Calendar' is redundant.
Rewrite:
| We would like to remind you that according to the terms of your tenancy agreement, you must make your monthly payment to us before the first day of each month. |
POINT (4)
- There are a lot of unnecessary words in this sentence.
- Replace 'If you have already paid the aforesaid sum....' with 'If you have already paid...'
- '..prior to receipt of this letter' can be omitted.
- Use the common verb 'ignore' instead of the uncommon verb 'disregard.'
Rewrite:
| If you have already paid, please ignore this letter. |
POINT (5)
- It's not good style to start a letter with 'should' (which is also too official sounding), 'if,' or 'unless.' Put these words in the middle of a sentence.
- '...please do not hesitate...' can be omitted.
- The verb contact is vague. Be specific. Use 'call' instead.
Rewrite:
| Please call us on 2617 4783 during office hours if you have any queries. |
DOCUMENT REWRITE
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Dear Tenant(s)
Subject: Unit 604, Bonham Trade Centre
We are writing to ask you to pay HKD $20,857 which you owe for rental, rates, management fees and air conditioning charges for February 20xx.
Please note that if this amount is not paid within three days of the date of this letter, we will have no choice but to ask our solicitors to take legal action against you to recover it. The resulting action may also require you to leave the premises without notice.
We would like to remind you that according to the terms of your tenancy agreement, you must make your monthly payment to us before the first day of each month.
If you have already paid, please ignore this letter.
Please call us on 2617 4783 during office hours if you have any queries.
Yours faithfully
AS AGENTS OF THE LANDLORD
XXX REAL ESTATE AGENCY LTD
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Business English level test
